shrimply having a wonderful christmas time
im having so much trouble getting the motivation to properly type something so im just gonna go for it
christmas has been stressful as usual. i got some money but i had to spend most of it on things we needed, so... not that fun. the main thing im looking forward to arriving is my esp32 thingy to hopefully set up an adblocker across the house. im not sure how well itll work with computers or the tv since it looks like the list of domains to block is made for mobile devices, but im sure i can figure something out if ads are getting through. i had to get a newer model of the device than the one the guide called for, but im hoping (praying) it works the same.
i really wanted to get some new clothes, but i couldnt afford it alongside the other things :/ i was able to get some clothes i liked recently that are more gender-affirming and its really helped my dysphoria. wearing my normal clothes feels so awful now... its so weird being a feminine trans man because i cant wear feminine clothes without getting dysphoria, i have to wear more typically masc stuff. ive heard that other feminine trans men were able to embrace their femininity more once they started T; i hope it will be the same for me.
i wonder how much dysphoria i deal with on the species side? like im still partly human but i feel id be much happier with paws, ears, and a tail. maybe even hooves sometimes. but nice things are expensive and hooves are a whole other thing. i wish i didnt feel so isolated in my alterhumanity, but all the communities ive tried being in just didnt click with me. i feel too human to be around other nonhumans, but not human enough to be around other humans. its odd.
although, honestly, all communities are weird for me. i always say the wrong thing and everyone just ignores me or responds like im a weirdo. even if i sort of make a connection with someone, they never reach out to me. its always me initiating. makes me wonder if they even like me at all.
im not sure if anyone will actually read this, but if you have and you like my blog, could you tell me? it would mean a lot.